Believing the Lie
"But I'm a boy in love with a girl, and I'll probably always be waiting for this particular lie to become the truth." Dean POV post-"They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?"
This was heavily influenced by vega_rin's The Last Thing You Say, which is quite possibly one of the best Gilmore Girls fics ever written, and certainly the only fic I know of that really does Dean justice. Regardless of his mistakes, I really did love this boy once upon a time.
~*~*~
I look down at her beautiful face, at the tendrils of brown hair falling loose from their pins, and wonder if this girl, this woman standing in front of me was ever really mine. I think I've always known she wasn't mine to claim. That she had ambitions and dreams and wanted something more from life, something that didn't involve a simple guy like me. But I pushed and pushed every time those thoughts invaded my brain, because who wouldn't want to believe the lie? I wanted so badly to believe that this quiet, unassuming girl who had the world at her fingertips could look at me and say whatever I do, I want you with me. I'd gladly go along for the ride if she only said that. But somewhere between Moby Dick and round cakes, bracelets and cornstarch, she finally realized what I've known all along - that she deserves more than I can give her.
Ignoring her half-hearted protests, I grab my jacket and walk to the door without a backward glance. I know that if I even see a hint of her in pain, I'll come running back and apologize, which is not what she wants. She's as good at pretending as I am, but I know it's not what she wants. What she wants is him.
I swing open the side door of the school and sit down on the cool concrete steps, taking a deep breath of crisp fall air and exhaling on a strangled, frustrated yell.
Fucking Jess. Fucking Rory, the angry voice inside me whispers. But I push that voice aside, because something in me rebels at being angry with her. Call it pathetic, but I can't do it.
I love her. But in his own way, so does he. And I'm sick of pretending that I even stand a chance against his intellect and charisma. He's Jess Mariano, and he's got everything she wants. I'm Dean Forrester, and the things I have going for me I can count on one hand. I'm good with cars. I like to read, even if it takes me more energy to process literary stuff than some people. I have a family that's not completely screwed up.
I've loved a girl named Rory Gilmore.
A part of me will always be the sixteen year old boy who wanted nothing more than to kiss her in the grocery store or make her smile at the bus stop. A part of me will always be the eighteen year old man I am now, sitting outside in the pre-dawn cold, waiting for her to run out the door and wrap her arms around my neck, saying that she's so sorry and that I'm all she's ever wanted. That she loves me. It happened once, it could happen again.
I know it's not true. I know I'm going to sit here until the sun rises, and then I'm going to go home and pretend to sleep so my mom doesn't worry too much. There won't be any apologies or confessions tonight. But I'm a boy in love with a girl, and I'll probably always be waiting for this particular lie to become the truth.
end
Posted by Carrie on 04:04 PM